The Glaciermen #38: Choice
The Glaciermen #38: Choice
Early access prepublication manuscripts of "The Glaciermen"
Hello again!
I’m back so soon for the regular Tuesday drop of the next segment—thar’ she blows!
Retcon Notice: I’ve changed the name of Matilda to Tyra. It was too close to “Amanda” phonetically (and also Roald Dahl’s famous Matilda), and in my opinion it didn’t feel right to my ear. Plus, Tyra means “Thor’s Battle” which is just cool, and it will tie in later.
So, Tyra is the name of the blonde Scandinavian girl now. Tyra. I’m repeating it now so your mind will be less jolted in a minute while you’re reading. Tyra is the girl. I know, it’s weird that I’m doing this, but that’s what happens when I release these segments real-time and have to back-edit things. And remember, the name of the blonde girl whom Lee saved is Tyra.
Cool, cool. Thanks for putting up with my armchair psychology. Now let’s jump in…
(Here’s the previous segment if you missed it, and the first chapter and index, if you’re new).
Recap (spoilers!): Lee and Tyra ran into a band of tunlaq hunters on their way to the killing pit. Lee narrowly talks his way out of the confrontation, but his gambit will inevitably come around to bite him.
Choice
Lee watched the glow from the band of tunlaq fade away into the tunnel, slowly leaving him in complete darkness. He let out a massive breath of relief, only now realizing how tense his body had become during the exchange with the hunters. He had made a risky gambit, and it had worked—but it was another domino set in motion, another seeding of lies. It was only a matter of time until the seeds grew to maturity and bore their rotten fruit.
In the pitch black, he felt his way back to the cell at the end of the side passage, crouching low to slip through the small opening into the chamber where Tyra remained hidden. When Lee whispered for the girl, she gave no answer, but he could hear her wheezing breaths from somewhere near the back of the chamber. He felt his way forward and fumbled over a large lump of rough fabric. It was the glow torch, wrapped within the folds of the canvas he had given the girl for warmth. He uncovered it, allowing the luminescent gel to bathe the chamber in its cool blue light. The glow was frightfully dim, and likely wouldn’t last much longer. Lee kicked himself, wishing he thought ahead better and acquired a proper torch when he had the chance back in the storage chamber.
In the dim glow, he could see Tyra. She huddled against the far wall of the chamber, curled in a ball with her eyes shut tightly, shivering as she wheezed breaths through chattering teeth. Lee went to her and gently wrapped the canvas tarp around her. She barely registered his presence. He knew the rough blanket wasn’t going to be enough.
Is this it? He thought. Is this how it ends for her?
It was then that Lee became aware of his own condition. He had been without the warming effect of the godseye for some time, and although the mad dash had initially heated him up, the adrenaline was wearing off fast, and the cold was now creeping once more into his limbs and core. Doubt began to gnaw at him as he wondered how much longer he could endure.
The creeping desperation spawned a new feeling in Lee, and he found himself staring at the nearly depleted godseye gel saturating the fabric of their makeshift lantern.
Just a little, he thought. It would only take a little to make it fresh again.
His hand moved almost without thinking, reaching for the blade at his waist.
Just a few drops of her blood…
No! He scolded himself, snapping his hand back. This is not the way! This is what Aguta warned you against. The godseye will corrupt a man to evil if he gives in to its siren call—I won’t sacrifice her!
The insidious voice, still very much his own, took on the role of the prosecution.
But what has she done for you? She’s been nothing but trouble, and she’s just gonna die anyway. What’s a little donation gonna hurt—she owes you that much for saving her from a fate worse than death.
Lee tried to push the thoughts away, but his eyes were locked on the gel. It pulled at him, gnawing and beckoning.
It’ll be faster for her, less painful this way. You can’t do anything for her now except end her suffering. Are you really going to let her suffer needlessly?
Sweat beaded on his forehead. He clasped his temples, groaning and trying to get away from the thoughts, but they came on still more, tempting him.
You know how it makes you feel, what it bestows upon you. The gifts the tunlaq worship—you know the truth of them. You know they are real. You are the boy who killed the bear. You deserve this. The visions. The power… you are blessed, Lee. Don’t let her stand in the way of the gifts you were born for. Don’t let her stop you from becoming who you were meant to be.
Somehow the knife was in his hand. Lee watched with horror as his own fingers reached for the girl's ankle where her boot poked out from beneath the blanket. His heart pounded with hungry expectation.
“No!” he shouted, hurling the knife away and clutching his head.
The knife clattered against the ice, the sound ringing loudly in the icy chamber. The girl whimpered once, then silence settled as she went back to her wheezing and chattering as if nothing had happened. Lee wiped his forehead, leaned his hands on his knees as he fought the lingering urges.
“Screw this bullshit,” he muttered, fumbling for the dried mycelium pouch on his belt.
He pulled out a massive pinch and shoved it forcefully under his lip. Then a second, and a third, until the pouch once empty and every centimeter of his lower lip was filled.
“C’mon, c’mon, c’mon,” he muttered, tonguing his gums and waiting for the effect.
It settled in slowly—his eyeballs tingled, and a light, airy sensation slowly spilled into his brain. The feeling was not the same as from the gel, but it was better than nothing, and the sharpened focus was a welcome change. He let out a quiet moan of relief. The murderous thoughts were gone—for now, at least.
Lee looked at the girl. A strong sense of déjà vu washed over him, interwovern with a new feeling of kinship for Aguta.
Like father, like son, Lee thought wistfully. Except you actually got me out alive.
He let out a bitter chuckle. How naive they were, thinking they could plan their way out of Lee being recruited into the tunlaq, thinking he could handle the godseye without it tainting his spirit. Look where that got him—he was a killer now. First he had killed the pair at the campsite. They had deserved it, but that’s how it starts. Then he ended the helpless, pathetic Taqtu. Not innocent, but not quite guilty either. Next on the menu was the girl—a spotless victim, an innocent sacrifice—and if the urges came back, Lee wasn’t sure he could resist them for a second time.
A dark humor suddenly overtook him, and he began to talk to himself in a stern, deep tone of voice, mimicking Aguta.
“Don’t let that goo touch you, boy. It is the kiss of evil. Here! Use the red juice from these berries—it looks like blood so maybe it will trick the evil spirits into not making you a psychotic murderer.”
Lee cackled darkly at his caustic mockery, teeth chattering a few times as he did so.
“Follow my advice and nothing will go wrong, ever, because I am the wise, bald Aguta. An outsider like you, but older and meaner.”
Bitter snickering followed. Moisture began welling in Lee’s eyes, melting the tiny ice flakes that were beginning to form on his eyelashes.
“...and if anything does go wrong, which is certainly impossible, even though I constantly warn you about all the terrible ways everything will go wrong if you make even one mistake, then all you have to do is remember your breath, because… because I said so… and because… because—”
The dam could not hold. Lee broke down into sour weeping. His torso convulsed between heaving sobs as tears poured from his eyes and snot swung in driblets from his nose, stretching into hair-thin strands that froze before they hit the floor. He sat in his despair, letting it wash over him. He had failed, failed everyone. Aguta, Sandy, his mother, the people on the plane. The poor souls to whom the corpses from the latest raid used to belong. They all deserved justice for what had been done to them, but they would never get it. Not a single one. Especially not Tyra. And no amount of breathing would do anything about it.
“But breathing did something in the pit.”
Lee shot his head up as he heard the words, snot flinging half frozen from his nose. He looked at the girl, but she was still wheezing, only semi-conscious. His eyes flicked to the small opening into the passage.
“Who said that?” he asked the empty air.
Only darkness lay on the other side of the opening. He suddenly regretted leaving the cage door ajar. He pricked his ears, listening for anything beyond the wheezing of the girl. But there was nothing, just silence and the dull heaviness of the stale air in the chamber.
“Oh honey, don’t you know I’ve been here the whole time.”
Lee whirled around, but it was still just him and the girl. He scooted away from the opening until he was next to the girl, the wall safely at his back.
“No, you’re not real,” he said past panicky breaths. “You’re just a voice in my head… just a silly voice I hear when I’m seeing the dancing colors of the godseye. Bear spirits aren’t real—you’re just a trick of the godseye.”
But he wasn’t using any godseye.
“Do you really think that is why I haunt you, little Lee?” the matronly voice replied in its warm, tender cadence. “That I’m just some imaginary friend that comes by when you are riding high on that psychotic paste?”
There was a pause, then a lighthearted chortle.
“Well, you're probably right—and you did just put a whole pouch of that dried stuff in your lip, so there’s your skeptic’s explanation. But who knows, maybe I am really a guiding spirit, called forth by the murder of my poor cubs to reap vengeance against those who forced a hapless boy into their twisted evil… or perhaps I’m just, what did you call it back then? Ah, yes, your ‘sub-con-shuss’ bringing up repressed memories or some such nonsense. Ha! That’s an idea!”
Lee’s face contorted oddly as bewildered confusion piled on with the rest of his frazzled emotions—he was going crazy. He was certain of it now. He was going crazy before freezing to death, just like the fat man in the red jacket had.
The voice seemed to notice his reaction, taking on a caring but blunt tone as it continued.
“Look honey, I know none of this makes any sense, and I don’t really care what you think of me, but that crusty old Aguta was right. You are special. I wouldn't have stuck around so long if you weren’t… What I’m trying to say is, remember your damn breath and don’t let that poor girl die. So, chin up, kiddo! Do your woo-woo thing and get her warmed up! Alright? Now I’ve said my piece, so get on with it. Ta ta for now!”
With a final huff, the voice was gone, and the silence returned.
Lee blinked away the moisture of stale tears and rubbed his eyes, sucking in a big breath, then letting it out in a long sigh.
“I’m losing it,” he said out loud. “I’m really losing it.”
Despite his words, he moved with purpose, joining the girl under the blanket and hugging his body against hers. Her shivering had stopped, which was a bad sign—her body had given up the fight. She had very little time left.
“Okay, bear, here goes nothing.”
He closed his eyes and took in a long breath through his nose, then let it out slowly. Then again. As he repeated the breaths, he could feel a calm go over him—but he also felt the deep chill in his own body. He did not have long, either.
But he kept breathing, and sent his focus inside of himself. He honed in on the center of his core as he breathed, pushing his mind toward warmth, searching for it, calling it out. His breaths steadied, slow and deep. He had failed on the glacier during the storm so many years ago, but this time he would not fail. He could not fail. Before long, he felt it—just a faint flicker, but it was there, albeit only for an instant before slipping away.
He focused harder, drawing it out, teasing it back. There was another sputter of warmth, then it flickered low, but he kept it alive this time. Fed it. Willed for it to grow. The warmth spread, slowly at first, then faster, heating his chest and belly as if he had lighted a furnace in his gut. He shifted his attention to his arms and legs, guiding the heat to them until they became flush with it. He sent it to the edge of his skin, where he was hugging the girl, pouring as much out into her as he dared. He had no way of knowing how long he could keep it up—or if it would be enough to warm the girl.
He continued the rhythmic breaths, his focus locked single-mindedly on one goal, heat. He lost all sense of time. Eventually another sensation began to grow in his gut, a hunger of sorts, and it began to gnaw at him, drawing more and more at his focus as his breaths went on. It was as if whatever fuel was burning within him was running low, and soon the fire of the warmth would shift to consume whatever else was available. The hunger panged, and Lee felt an empty twisting in his stomach. Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore, and had to let go. As he came back to his senses, the hunger faded to a dull ache, but so did the intensity of the heat in his core.
He opened his eyes to pure darkness. The godseye lantern had finally gone dead. The girl was limp in his arms, and for a moment his heart dropped, but then he felt the rise and fall of her chest, and heard the faint whisper of her breathing. She was merely asleep.
Lee carefully disentangled himself before rousing her, wisely choosing to avoid a scenario where she woke up to the startling presence of pitch darkness and a shirtless man hugging against her under a blanket. Once safely a few feet away, he gently prodded her shoulder. She came to slowly, letting out a hearty yawn and smacking her lips few times before letting out a sharp inhale as she realized her open eyes were seeing only darkness.
“C’mon, sleepyhead, it’s time to get moving.”
And that’s it for now folks
Thanks for reading! I’ll try to post another segment by next Tuesday, so keep an eye on your inbox.
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– Xavier Macfarlane
Author, The Glaciermen
©Xavier Macfarlane 2024. All rights reserved.
Lee's resilience is remarkable. Some great character work this chapter!